one day my life's gonna flash before my eyes

(so i'm gonna make damn sure it's worth watching)

(no subject)
Despite the continuation of the undying migraine, I feel like today has actually been pretty productive so far:

First, I saw the physiatrist/rehab doctor for my knee. Her resident saw me initially, and was pretty much onboard with the bursitis and saphenous nerve entrapment diagnosis I have been getting consistently, which was disappointing, but he at least had some new suggestions for treatment. When the physiatrist herself examined me, however, she found something unusual in my gracilis and joint line (same area the radiologist had noted something strange in on the ultrasound, and the reason for the second MRI). She's sending me for active release, just to give it a try. She's also sending me for some blood work to check for arthritis (just to be safe, though she doesn't suspect this is the problem...somehow this was just never done) and to look at thyroid function and b12, and for a second bone scan (the one I had last year focussed on bone metabolism in my jaw) because she's curious about the possibility that some small fracture might have been missed (we talked about the female athlete triad because my periods are irregular and I've had a couple of fractures, even though I assured her that my eating is NOT disordered). She suggested that each of these is an unlikely possibility, but that it's a good idea to check, since the pain is so longstanding and there are a couple of unusual findings in my exam, despite two clean MRIs.

After that, I exchanged a box of contact lenses I had bought before my prescription changed. I had initally bought a full year's worth, but then had had my eyes examined after a couple of months and found that my left eye required a stronger prescription. I was able to exchange six months' worth (i.e., the unopened box) for the new prescription, so in another two months, I will be able to see!

Then, I went to the hospital and took care of an overpay situation (I had been overpaid on two paycheques...what a mess) that I had intended to take care of last week.

And finally, I bought myself a lovely new cell phone and switched carriers. Goodbye, Bell. Next, to switch internet providers and cancel my home phone so I can free myself of Bell once and for all. I feel a bit like an old person, incidentally, since I don't really understand my phone and feel like I may actually need to read the instructions.

Now, lunch, and maybe then some sleep. I'm sort of at a loss as to what else to do to rid myself of this silly migraine short of taking something serious, which I'm loathe to do. Practice tonight, of course!

(no subject)
Wow, I have pretty much the worst migraine.

And my neighbours downstairs are terrible.

And I'm writing a critique paper at the very last minute, when I'd rather be sleeping.

And I'm sort of a whiny brat.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Seriously, though, this migraine. Unreal. When did the migraine medication stop working? My eyes won't focus properly. It's disconcerting. Probably doesn't help that I've been to three practices this weekend--since I woke up with it on Saturday morning--so I keep squeezing my head into tight caps for hours at a time. I could take some percoset, but I don't want to; I have work to do, and I don't like how it makes me feel. I don't think I've ever taken more than one since it was prescribed to me.

As for the neighbours downstairs, they came in last night at around 3:30 and starting blaring music, woke me up, and then when Jon went downstairs to ask them to turn it down, refused. They told him he could call the cops if he wanted them to turn it down. And honestly, it was THAT LOUD. I called the landlord instead, and it was turned off completely within 15 minutes. I don't know what actually happened there. Maybe they decided they had had enough and were just going to bed anyway. Next time I'm calling the police straight off. If that's how they want to play, they've got it. I've asked them before to keep it down in the middle of the night. I'm done.

Otherwise, things are rolling along pretty well as they should be. I'm practicing all the time. My last committee meeting went well. My medical school applications are off. My apartment is never clean because I'm never here other than to do some work, sleep, and maybe eat, though I don't do much of the latter two anymore anyway. I don't spend enough time with Desi. My thoughts are scattered pretty much all the time; it's the fatigue and always being on the run.

(no subject)
Wow, I got denied AGAIN for donating blood this morning. This time my haemoglobin was so low I apparently required nurse counselling. Really, now?

In between last time and this one, I started taking a multivitamin everyday. But I just checked, and it doesn't have iron in it. Oops.

(no subject)
Laying in bed on Sunday night...

Him: Is it after midnight?
Me: Oh, yes.
Him: Do you know what today is?
Me: Thanksgiving.
Him: What else?
Me: Monday?
Him: Something else, something special.
Me: ...
Him: It's six months since our first date.

Scary because a) we've been dating for SIX MONTHS, and b) he knew that, and I had no idea. Apparently he even ordered me a t-shirt (hasn't arrived), so clearly he was keeping track, and planned for this (side note: does the t-shirt say "I survived six months in a relationship?).

Also, I ordered Jon a clocky for his birthday because he has so much trouble getting up in the morning.

(no subject)
I haven't written anything here in a while because things have been a little crazy.

I stopped writing just before the MCAT because I was nervous, too nervous to write, even. Really, I was well-prepared, but then I got to the exam, and the questions were far afield from the traditional MCAT questions, which seems to be the impression of most people who wrote in late August and early September of this year. I didn't write after that because I believed I had done terribly, should never have written it, should have voided my scores, and 230420394092830948320 other awful things. I couldn't bring myself to even talk about it.

Between then and now, things have been all over the place. I had meeting with my supervisor over which I later cried. She thought it went great, and I'm defending my thesis early. The recreation coordinator position is taking more time and energy than I thought imaginable; I have put in so much effort into running events and pumping the program, and it was going great for a while. Then registrations were disappointingly low, though that may be because we managed to push several girls through to competitive. I've been sick, sick, sick. I won an award. I fell on my elbow two weeks ago and it still hurts. I bought a lovely new laptop. I wrote my Ontario medical school applications and submitted them last night. I decided to apply to the University of Calgary and Queensland in Australia. I've had headache after headache and I'm not sure whether my migraine medication is still working. I'm barely eating; mostly, I'm drinking smoothies on the run and chewing multivitamins. I made the masters team for Sweden, but was the last place swimmer to be offered a spot. I'm swimming varsity, but it's a tiny team and I'm not sure I'm happy with the commitment. I have nine hours of practice on the weekend.

Two nights ago, my MCAT results came in. Not a resounding success, but not an unmitigated disaster, either. Good enough at least for some schools. I guess I can breathe again.

Did you read about this? That is my Thea Evgenia (Jane...I don't know, I had never seen her English name before), my great-aunt. After the funeral yesterday, we found out about the recall. What a tragic mess. My poor great-uncle George. He is so distraught (he was driving the truck that killed her); it was heart-breaking seeing him.

(no subject)
I tried to donate blood today, and was denied because I had both low iron AND low haemoglobin. Now I have to wait until OCTOBER. So bummed.

(no subject)
How do you explain to someone that it's relationships you want to run from, not your relationship in particular?

You know when you're standing at the edge of a body of water? You know it's cold, and you don't want to jump in, so you totter on the edge for long moments, maybe testing the temperature, maybe just dawdling. You think about not getting in at all, about going back to your towel, getting dressed and sitting back down where it's warm, maybe everyone else is already in the water, but that's alright, you'll leave them to it. But then, when you least expect it, you're in the air. You've barely felt your body move, but you're on your way into that frigid water now, and there's nothing you can do to stop yourself. You hardly know what impulse has impelled off the solid ground on which you stood. Maybe you hold your nose, maybe you close your eyes, but everything else is beyond your control.

Maybe you feel a momentary sense of exhilaration before you hit the icy water. If it's a long jump, off a cliff or a diving tower or bridge, maybe the fall lasts a long time, and the exhilaration with it, but soon enough you're not in the air. And when you hit the water, you panic. You gasp, you flail, you can't breathe.

There is nothing you want worse right then than to be out of the water. You want to be back on land, dry and in your warm clothes. Land may be boring, it may lack the excitement of the water, but you're not thinking of that. You're compelled by a need to need to get out now. It doesn't matter where you are, either. You may have jumped off a tottering bridge into a murky pothole lake or off a sheer cliff into the sparkling ocean. It doesn't matter because you're driven to get out.

When you get close enough to the edge that you know you're safe, you're not so concerned with getting out anymore. You linger, not sure whether to stay or climb out. This analogy that I've stretched extremely thin breaks down right around here, though, doesn't it? Because if you linger in the water, without making a decision, you're not keeping anyone waiting but yourself. And if you get out, the water isn't hurt.

That I ended up in this relationship was a bit of a surprise to me. There was a lot of doubt, there were a lot of reservations, not about Jon, and not about him and I, but about my desire for a relationship in general, and about my ability to function inside one, maybe even about whether I deserve to have someone care about me in a sustained way and whether I can accept that someone might. Despite my reservations, I found myself holding my nose and closing my eyes and jumping in. I'm not sure what happened. But now that I'm in it, I'm panicking. We had the tiniest of fights, and I've made it something's turned into a crisis of faith because...because why? Because I don't feel comfortable with the idea of a relationship evolving, because I don't know if someone can fight with me and still care about me, because I don't have time to care about someone enough to fight with them and go to the trouble of resolving it and dealing with all the feelings involved. I hate drama and relationship bullshit, but now that I find I have the power to end this I'm not sure whether I want out.

Jon is a really good guy. He makes me genuinely angry sometimes, but he's a good guy. This isn't about him. It's about me. And part of it is, I'm sure, about the added stress of the MCAT, but a larger part of it is just my complete inability to relate to someone in a sustained relationship.

I have no idea how to communicate this to him (as is probably clear from the completely confused structure and messed up analogy of this entry...I can only use what I know, and jumping into cold water is something I KNOW).

(no subject)
I had the stupidest fight with Jon last night, after I went to a wedding of friends of his. I spent nearly the entire evening with Atena while he spent time outside with his friends, and then, adding insult to injury, he wouldn't get over himself and dance with me. So we fought, he took me home (to Toronto, Not The Plan), and I told him that this was the sort of petty, pedestrian, time wasting bullshit that justifies avoiding relationships. Why should I waste my evening annoyed that he's left me all evening, and then waste an hour arguing with him about it? This is boring, bland shit that detracts from other things I could and should be doing, and causes me stress I don't really need.

I am panicked, and right now I just want to get out. I'm angriest at myself for letting it get to this level, and sorry that I engaged in this stupidest of fights.

What matters to you doesn't matter to them.
What matters to them doesn't change anything.

Loving this song.

But on a completely different note: learned a valuable lesson about teasing an irritable kitty this morning, and have found out that antibiotic drops sting when you've got a cat scratch on your cornea. Oh, the silliness of it all. Took out my contacts, stuck with my glasses for a few days, and that's rough since they're an old presription, beyond the obvious aesthetic complaints.

Last two chapters of organic chemistry today, and then it's all review before the MCAT. Please let this be the last time.

(no subject)
I slept for an almost unbroken twelve hours last night. And instead of feeling guilty, I'm taking that as a sign that I am WAY. TOO. TIRED.

Things that are getting on my nerves a little bit:

- I have been using nitro patches on my knee, and instead of looking like little bandages, as they should, they have really obvious printing on them that says NITRO-DUR 0.2 MG/HR I.E. HELLO THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY KNEE (ps, Maybe this is a coincidence, but my knee is feeling worse since I've been wearing them)
- Jon is coming over tomorrow night, and my bed is finally together, but I got my period TODAY.
- My old bed is sitting in pieces on my living room floor
- I seem to have gained a few pounds (so says the scale). Is it muscle? Is it fat?
- Overwhelming amounts of work. Studying for the MCAT, preparing for the synchro season, and actual work. Where in there does my thesis come in? Haven't figured that out, yet.
- I've been working like mad trying to find sources for some work so that I can apply for copyright permissions for them on behalf of the program I work for, and I just found out today that someone already knew some of the sources I've wasted days looking for but didn't pass that information on. Awesome, thanks.

Things that are making up for those things a little bit:

- My Magic Bullet blender. Love the thing, still. So many smoothies, all the time. Can't be good for me, probably why I've gained weight.
- My new bed. Weird to not be sleeping on the ceiling, but I like the bed.
- My supervisor has refrained from calling a meeting with me because she didn't want to swamp me. Good, supervisor, good!
- I found a dresser on Kijiji that matches my bed, and am going to pick it up tomorrow with Jon. My room is pretty cramped, but I'm working on getting rid of some of my old furniture to make way for the new stuff.
- I seem to be making fair progress with the MCAT studying. I'm not confident, but I still have time.

I could go right back to sleep. Right now.


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